The Space Quest Story
Roger Wilco's Adventures, as recorded by Troels Pleimert

 This story contains several spoilers regarding the Space Quest series.
Consider yourself warned!

The Sarien Encounter

    Well, as all my faithful fans probably already know, my career as janitor and part-time galaxy savior started out as a mere cleaning job onboard the spacelab Arcada, where I'd been stationed.  As a fresh cadet out of NucleoTherm, getting this job was a true honor, and--if I do say so myself--I handled the situation quite well. The Arcada was transporting some gizmo a Xenon scientist had cooked up (something about star generation--never been too much interested in Hollyroid or management agencies anyway) which they were supposed to test run.  After doing that with flying colors (I'm sure I had something to do with it), they were returning back when the evil slimeball Sariens--the ruthless outlaws of the galaxy of Earnon--attacked the defenseless Arcada, boarded it, and stole the Star Generator.  Unfortunately, I was alarmed too late to be able to render assistance in this matter! Seeing as I was hopelessly outnumbered, I valiantly evaded the Sarien Stormtroopers in an escape pod...but not after first securing the vital secret which held the key to the future of my homeplanet of Xenon in the form of a datacart from the ship's library.  However, the shuttle which I was in was apparently not feeling very user-friendly that day and, without warning, it plunged me to my almost certain crashlanding on the desert planetoid of Kerona.

    After coming to my senses, I found myself in an endless desert, surrounded only by a skeleton of a once-mighty creature that must've roamed these badlands.  It was around here I encountered the Sarien Spiderdroid, who apparently had been sent along to finish any unfinished business. But, using my inate cleverness and tenacity, I was able to lead it into a cave, wherein I discovered another terrifying creature--a beast by the name of the Orat!  Not knowing what else to do, I jumped into hide, apparently leading the Spiderdroid into the cave and causing the two beasts to realize a new dimension of the words "explosive bonding."  The Orat and the spiderdroid were both destroyed; and lo-and-behold, there on the floor was the remains of Orat...a disgusting blob of, er, something. Taking it with me, I went out to explore the desert, hopinh to  find means to help me out my predicament. Of course, my native instincts led me to the underground caves of Kerona, where I--after much effort--managed to locate a friendly community of dwellers, who were so kind to provide me with transportation to a desert settlement on the far horizont known to the universe as "scum city," but to native Keronians as Ulence Flats.  After much time I managed to get off the rock using a newly purchased space craft and navigation droid.

    Soon, I was able to intercept the Sarien battlecruiser Deltaur, which apparently was holding the Star Generator and planning to use it as a weapon of awesome destructive capabilities.  They planned to use this contraption as a device of total galactical domination with the ability to wreck terror and vengenace to the scientific community that cast them out centuries ago (whatever that means).  Again using my cleverness, I entered the Deltaur and started snooping around. The location of the Star Generator made me realize, that this was not an object to simply stuff into your pockets -- and since I already carried with me the awesome secret, not to mention technical data and blueprints of this awesome device, I saw no other alternative than to set it to self destruct.  Unfortunately, my cover was blown way too soon, but my instincts had led me to borrow a gun earlier, and this helped me escape to the Captain's personal shuttle, where I flew off to Xenon to collect my reward. And rewarded I was!  I was bestowed with the coveted Golden Mop award, the most prestigious award in my line of work!  The ruling government of Xenon referred to me as the Savior of Xenon! It was my day and my day alone (as was the next two or three months).

Vohauls' Revenge

    For some reason, that even I cannot comprehend to this day, after months and months of almost daily appearances on the David Letterdroid show and in Janitorial Weekly--after having brought fame and fortune to the prestigious custodial art--suddenly, all this meant nothing to the Xenon population.  Without warning, I was cast back to where I was before. Suddenly, I found myself sweeping up the floors of others in zero-G and space shuttles. I was once again a janitor on the Xenon Orbital Station IV.  However, my gut feelings told me that my adventure was far from over. No joke, bro!  I sure didn't remain on that orbital station for decades, nor weeks!  Actually, within days of my arrival, I found myself kidnapped on a shuttle by two goons, who apparently worked for my yet-to-become nemesis and arch-enemy, Sludge Vohaul, who had been the brains behind the Star Generator operation in Space Quest I.  However, no friendly chit-chats, handshakes and cup-o-java was allowed, since:  a.)  it's hard to drink coffee when your arms are tied behind your back and  b.)  Mr. Vohaul had apparently had a bad day.  He flushed me off to Labion where I was doomed to perform terrible moments of manual labor in his mines. Although I'm quite used to manual labor now, this was too much!

    Fortunately, my cleverness told me to wait for the right moment and--WHAM!--the hovercraft which was carrying me ran out of juice and crash-landed in the tropical jungle of Labion.  Now, I had to get the heck outta there!  That proved to be easier said than done; the jungle was simply infested with dangers, perils, and traps of all sorts and descriptions--root monsters, swamp creatures, Labion Terror Beasts, and of course more of Vohaul's troopers in their deadly hovercrafts.  Although my innate splendor, cleverness, ingenuity, and discretion led me to conquer all of this, I still think it was one hairy round.  I can still feel the underarm perspiration from being hunted down by the cave monster in that labyrinth, with only a glowing gem for a light source (probably because I didn't have time to change clothes when I got back, but that's an entirely different story). Horrors when I then found myself propelled down a vortex, which led me to my horrifying confrontation with the dreaded Labion Terror Beast!  Managing to defeat the creature, I ventured forth to find a deserted escape pod, which led me to the evil Vohaul's fortress.

    After countless other perils and the destruction of the evil half-human himself, I blasted out of the asteroid just in time to see it reduced to atomic dust. While kicking back in my pod and experiencing yet another feeling of utter well-being and satisfaction, the dashboard suddenly went gazonko and bleeped itself stupid with the flashing message: OXYGEN LOW. Quickly taking a glance around the cockpit cabin, I located a sleep chamber, which seemed to serve my purpose just for now. I just had to hope and pray that somebody would pick me up sooner or later.

The Pirates of Pestulon

    Although somebody eventually did rescue me, I still don't really feel comfortable with the method.  See, after several months in deep space and me still in deep freeze, the pod suddenly got in the way of a gonzo trash freighter, who was hauling aboard galactic waste items.  Nobody gave a hoot about organic lifeforms, so they just hauled me aboard and dumped me down to a temporary on-board junkyard.  The shake of impact triggered the revival-mode and I was rescuscitated.  Now, I had to get out. My instincts quickly led me to an abandoned jalopy named The Aluminum Mallard, which seemed okay, only missing a few vital parts.  But of course, being surrounded my junk and machine parts, I was quickly able to retrieve all necessary parts and get the thing off the ground.

    Escaping the trash freighter, I then ventured forth to Phleebhut, as I for some reason had lost all sense of direction.  There I was introduced to Fester Blatz, who was kind enough to sell me a lot of neat stuff.  But when I got out, I was horrifically confronted with an Arnoid Annihilator-droid, who apparently held a grudge against me (something having to do with Labion Terror Beast Mating Whistle, mail fraud and Space Quest 2).  He gave me the count of ten to get back to my ship...but the inconsiderate fweeb quickly went to stand guard in front of it.  So, leading him into his fate at a few deadly pods in a Phleebuthian overhang, the droid was outta my hair and I even managed to acquire myself a nifty invisibility belt in the process.  My forthcoming travels around the solar system, including short-stops at such memorable places as Ortega and Monolith Burger (where I recieved an all-important message from the Two Nerds from Andromeda...ulp, I mean, Guys from Andromeda) finally led me to one of Ortega's moons, Pestulon.  It was here that the villainous software company ScumSoft, where the Two Geek...uh, Guys were being held captive.

    Using my inate cleverness (and invisibilty belt) I infiltrated the ranks of ScumSoft (although I didn't get any higher than janitor, but never mind that) and got out of there just in time with those Two Guys.  Of course, it wasn't over yet, as the evil, 12-year old president of ScumSoft--a spoiled little brat named Elmo Pug--sent dozens and dozens of fighters after me (apparently he still held a little grudge over an incident involving  a friendly game of Nukem Dukem Robots).  But, my navigational and  sharpshooting skills got us out of that problem quick.  Meanwhile, those retros back at Pestulon had apparently tampered with the lightspeed thingamajig.  However, the Two Guys--using mostly dumb luck (a thing wholy unfamiliar to me, of course)--managed to fix the dram thing and we were off...into a black hole.  Fortunately, nothing particularily bad happend, and I managed to drop them off at a seemingly habitable planet called Earth (which I have started to like better; considering my popularity there). So, now all that remained was to finally get home.

The Time Rippers
    After returning to my own universe, I settled in for a quick pitstop at the desert planetoid of Magmethius for a refreshing drink.  Once there, two alien-looking robots with the obiquitous initials S.P. on their forehead walked in and requested to speak to me.  I followed them (getting squared with the law has never been one of my top-ten favourites), and suddenly without warning, I was face to face with my old nemesis, Sludge Vohaul, who had apparently (and surprisingly) survived the escapades of Space Quest II...don't ask me how.  Anyway, I didn't have much time to think about it, as he promptly demanded that his Sequel Police-droids were to finish me off pronto. Being unarmed and momentarily baffled, I stood there and watched two guys with weird suits and blowdryers the size of Lake Michigan hop out of nowhere, knocking the two policemen into the ground.  One of them yelled for me to follow him and for the other one to scavange in a different direction.  I followed the guy (not knowing who he was, of course, but better anything than be left back with those two guys, who were about to wake up).  We paused up against the wall, where it became quite obvious, that we were not going to be able to successfully escape the two droids, who were already hot on our trail.  The guy, being out of time as to explaining me who the frick he was, sliced a hole in the space/time continuum and sent me through--not mentioning where I'd end up.

    I landed in Space Quest 12--Vohaul's Revenge II--completely baffled.  What in the nine moons of Nova was I supposed to do? Get the frick outta there--that's what I was supposed to do!  I was being hunted down by killer patrol droids and zombies with permenantly open eyelids...not to mention the Energizer-bunny!  Ack, that was a truly grueling experience!  However, I was clever enough to evade these obstacles and proceed further into the mystery by descending through a convenient sewer grate and winding up in a sewer tunnel--apparently having been used by the last occupant as some sort of headquarters.  Rebel headquarters, I learned through a convenient hologrammatic message, which explained how the first Biomech SuperComputer went completely haywire, when a virus was introduced after having been found in a flimsy cardboard box labelled Leisure Suit Harry, or something like that. When the computer was fed with this sick information, all screens and outputs went blank--and then displayed the horrifying message: WILCO MUST PAY! Not the best news to receive on ones home trip, but nevertheless, my innate cleverness and tenacity led me to find a time drive in a gigantic mammoth-structure in the distant landscape, apparently housing the Sequel Police Dispatch Center...not only that, but the infected Super Computer as well!

    Admittedly, I was a bit frightened and sure enough I wanted to get the heck outta there first thing. However, my instincts were telling me, I'd have to return later for my final showdown.  Destiny and all that y'know. Anyway, my instincts (hard at work again) led me to another point in time, the "Latex Babes of Estros" sequel, Space Quest 10, where I was introduced to the beautiful peaks and buttes of Estros.  The lake; the soft hills; the beautiful scenery...all ruined by the impending visit by the darned Sequel Police!  I had to get outta there quickly. Luck would have it that I was abducted by a gigantic prehistoric pterodactyl, who led me to his or her nest...where I was introduced to the classic mathematical equation of:

Sequel Police Droid + Sharp Branch From Mammoth Nest + Impact = Dead Droid

    I had to get out before the pterodactyl came back after a good day's shopping to have a pleasant meal of relaxation--namely on me. And so I did; ending up in the clutches of the Latex Babes of Estros (I must admit, although this visit didn't start out exactly as I had hoped of, I still can't get this particular encounter out of my mind).  Although my captivity didn't last longer than the previous, it certainly wasn't relieved of something that I would describe as relaxing!  Seaslug wrestling has never been one of my favourites. But when I must, I must. And not only did I defeat the slobbering beast, I also won the trust, respect, and admiration of the Latex Babes.  They then decided to celebrate my heroism and their survival by going shopping.  What I didn't know was, that after having rescued me by throwing me into the time rip, my so-far-unknown rescuer had been captured by the Sequel Police and brought before a great holographic images of Vohaul. What I still didn't know was that this young time ripper was actually my own son.

    Anyway, I had now arrived at the Galaxy Galleria. The Latex Babes disappeared into the mall and out of my life, and I quickly went to the task of exploring the mall; although I was quite sure, that I would run into the Sequel Police again. And I did--but once again, I cleverly evaded them and stole a time pod, which I used to travel to Ulence Flats in Space Quest I. A wham of evolution shock smashed in my face as I peered out of the viewscreen:  EGA?!? 16 COLORS?!? Preposterous!!! A bit like taking a stroll in Casablanca and suddenly discovering that Rick's Cafe‚ is still open for business.  By the way, did anyone know that the famous "Here's lookin' at you, kid," was actually an improvisation?. And while we're talking cafes and bars, the ol' Ulence Flats Bar was still there. Not to mention a load of monochrome hootlums, apparently having something against my colorful look.  Can I help it if I happen to be good looking? Geez, don't hate me `cos I'm beautiful!  Anyway, they did and hauled me outta the bar. Anger grabbed me as I tossed over their bikes, evaded them (I could smell `em coming a mile away), achieving a souvenir in the form of a book of matches and then travelling back to the world of Space Quest 12 for a final showdown with the Vohaul-infected Super Computer.

    The round with a couple of nasty security droids was, to say the least, hair-raising, but my innate cleverness (geez, how many times have I said that anyway?) helped me evade them and gain access to the control panel of the Super Computer. Initiating the format sequence, I had to get my kid out of there and then blast off to get the front row seat of witnessing the final destruction of Vohaul. However, things got a little complicated when I entered the control son was there, but he was somewhat different.  Maybe it was the evil glare in his eyes, maybe the hairstyle, maybe because his voice sounded like he was breathing through a U-ben or through a Darth Vader helmet.  Then it dawned to me: Sludge Vohaul!  The fweeb had taken over my son's body, leaving him helplessly flying over the edge of the platform in the form of a measly Sierra On-Line diskette!  I had to get him back no matter what the cost (and even if I hadn't, I wouldn't be able to escape, since some cheesehead removed the bridge)!  But my brute strength and cleverness; not to mention speed and agility; allowed me to defeat the evil Sludge Vohaul, trap him in a programming beam, retrieve my son's disk and restoring his personality.  He was kind enough to return to favor and rescued me, sending me back to Magmetheus in Space Quest 4 and onto my adventures in Space Quest 5...

    But, before he left, he showed me a holographic image of his mother.  My wife.  Beatrice.  Bea Wankmeister.  *sigh*   How beautiful she looked.  I can't put that image out of my mind.  *double sigh*  Of course, now I don't have to remember that image, heh-heh-heh, but back then it was all I had...but enough of that!

The Next Mutation

    After coming home to Xenon and selling my Aluminum Mallard to a used spaceship-lot and signing up for the StarCon academy as a cadet.  My goal--command of my own starship!  And my goals were achieved, when I answered all questions on my exam correctly and thusly achieved the highest score possible on an S.A.T.!  And if you meet anyone, who claims he sat next to me during the exam, don't listen to him!  Some guys just can't take the pressure!  And some people will do anything to achieve attention.  Sheesh...going around telling people that he was the acquaintance of the Hero of Xenon!  Anyway, when checking out my score, I had not too surprisingly passed with flying colors and was on my way to glory and captaincy...but during the time between the test and the results, a lot of strange things happened.  For instance, my meeting for the very first time with Ambassador Bea Wankmeister made me realize for real, that this was the woman of my dreams.  The dame of my existence.  My future wife.  *sigh*  How beautiful she looked.  I can't put that image out of my mind.  *double sigh*  How beautiful she...uh, well, enough of that.  I think we've been through that more than enough times now.  Anyway, as it transpired, she was sent on the Star Confederacy's flagship, the SCS Goliath together with my slimeball of a commanding officer, Captain Raemes T. Quirk, to test out the location of some sludge bandits who were apparently dumping illegal toxic waste all around the galaxy.  My command, however, wasn't nearly as lovely (and it didn't smell that great either).  Being in command of the garbage scow of garbage scows, the trash freighters of trash freighters (luckily, not robot commanded with no regards for organics, he-he- he...oh, never mind, it probably flew over most peoples heads) was to be the last signal of mine to realize that sanitation engineering was my one true profession. Too bad I didn't realise it until after I had been decommisioned.

    So, once aboard I was introduced to my happy-go-lucky crew:  Flo, the communications officer with the heart of gold; Droole, the navigations and weapons officer with guts of same substance; and Cliffy, the chief engineer with a spanner of the same substance (that is, if he remembered to clean it after he dropped it down the head).  Small crew, you say?  Well, after a hair-raising experience at the planet of Klorox II, in which I was reminded of the fact that the good people at the Gippazoid Novelty Company hadn't completely forgotten about my existence (that's funny, most people tend to do that after a week or so), as they sent along a womanoid to finish what an Arnoid couldn't do.  The appearance of WD40, attacking my garbage scow, left my crew scared and me brave.  Beaming down to the surface of the planet we were currently orbiting, the lovely and scenic Kiz Urazgubi, I valiantly knocked her over with a large boulder, short circuiting her cloaking mechanism.  Then, I gave her the final blow by sneaking up unawares and blocking her engine intake with a banana-like fruit, which I had picked up during my wanders around the planets (actually, the whole place made me kinda heartsick for Estros, and  *sigh*  Zondra and her  *double sigh*  PlastoPlex Bikini.  Ulp, sorry, Beatrice...).  Anyway, the robotic stalker, being stupid enough to actually turn her jets on and resume her search around the vicinity for me, exploded into a thousand fiery pieces.  Cliffy, my handy chief engineer, was able to gather all the pieces (using my help, of course)--at first, I wasn't completely sold on the plan about Cliffy putting her back together, but when he promised that he'd remove all the aggression factors from her programming, I felt a lot more safe.  Not only that, after another beam-down, we managed to nick the cloaking device from her ship (and destroying it, but everything has it's price, I guess).

    Meanwhile, our journeys continued. We did encounter a slight shock when we reached Peeyu, when Flo noticed life readings in the garbage container, but this turned out to be a friendly, little pet, which I named Spike, who unfortunately had a stomach problem--normally, this problem could've been taken care of with a sweeper, but Spike had apparently eaten something that didn't agree with him.  Therefore, he was producing acid instead of the more normal variety. I finally caught the bugger, plumped him into the specimen tank and gave him some antiacid pills, which made him feel a lot better. Another interesting point we encountered during our garbage route was the strange transmission we picked up in the vicinity of Gangularis--an ugly-looking alien discussing something about "lots of wares" and "meet me at the usual place."

    Having finished our business, we headed towards the spacebar--where the SCS Goliath had also taken some leave--and where Quirk himself was seated on the balcony, talking to a rather familiar looking alien type!  Anyway, we were on leave and could not be bothered with such minor details--that is until Quirk and the alien broke up their conversation and the scum-captain himself went down and started harrassing me!  I couldn't just let him get away with that!  I demanded satisfaction!  Luckily, a game of Battle Cruiser was situated nearby, and Quirk and I put on our battle helmets and rocked!  I won, naturally, but Quirk got so upset that when he came down and found Cliffy in a heated argument with one of the sludge bandits from the Goliath, that he promptly threw my chief engineer in the brig and left the spacebar with a snobby look on his face.  I was so mad!  I had to get Cliffy outta there!  Luckily, I had earlier been bothered by a not-so-graceful salesman, who packed me with a business card and a free sample of Space Monkeys.  The label on the latter read:  "Do not mix contents with alcohol!"  Thinking this could be a perfect diversion to get all those dang security guys out from the brig, I plomped it into my double bourbon on the rocks and **KAZAAM** lots of space monkeys got loose. The station wasn't able to take the added pressure and everybody was evacuating. But I went to spring Cliffy, I realized I couldn't possibly cut through the bars and the locking mechanism looked like it would take more time than we had to figure out.  Spike was the only answer I could think of in the heat of panic. And lo-and-behold...Cliffy was free! We managed to escape just in time for a front row seat to see the spacebar blow to pieces and three or four space monkeys splat onto our viewscreen.

    Just then, we received another message from StarCon, implying overtime, as we were sent to the colony of Klorox II for auxilary garbage retrieval.  Oh well, once a janitor, always a janitor--we headed for Klorox II, but amazingly enough, we didn't find any garbage. Actually, we didn't find anything.  The planet seemed as deserted as Vohaul's brain. We therefore decided to beam down and investigate--Droole and myself beamed down and split up when we reached the surface.  I ventured forth to examine the colony itself while Droole secured the perimiter.  Once inside the greenhouse, however, I was attacked by a mutated glob of half-human, who probably didn't get invited to many parties in his youth with those manners!  However, I managed to evade the mutated saliva he was throwing at me and suddenly, from out of nowhere, Droole popped up and blasted the slobbering beast away from me.  He underwent a mysterious metamorphosis--apparently, he had been attacked by several of these pukoids, which he was then transformed into himself. But his current predicament gave him little time to explain. He just pointed in the direction of the ridge and mumbled "bad soup."  My investigations led me to find the coordinates to the Genetix Research Installation, where the foul soup had been created.  My further investigations in the colony's log led me to find the horrible truth:  The entire colony had been attacked by these pukoids after having lost a survey team in the wild.  But we were missing a final piece, and that piece could only be reclaimed at the research installation!

    Beaming up to the Eureka, we set course towards Genetix to find it shattered--two out of three domes had been jettisoned, leaving the third in almost operational state.  Beaming down to investigate, the transporter was unfortunately malfunctioning, leaving me-well--in a poor predicament. My body buzzed off (pun intended) leaving me a fly!  Ironic, eh?  Anyway, I managed to contact the Eureka and get my own body back without further trouble...and during my investigations as a bug, I managed to locate the secret research labs of Genetix!  Using cleverness and tenacity, once again, Cliffy and I gained access to this lab.  He stood guard while I explored the lab.  Finding a computer terminal, I examined the log and got some more information:  The primordial soup, causing these mutations, were originally a chemical for use in exploring distant galaxies -- adapting itself to the terrain and consequently made it possible for organic lifeforms to explore hostile enviroments!  Unfortunately, it had one big problem with organic lifeforms: It turned them into squishy blobs of half-humans, affecting the brain patterns and consequently making them psychotic pukoids. The experiment was terminated and the project funding slashed. Problem was, the boys at Genetix had a warehouse full of this slop--where were they supposed to stash it? This question kept whirling around in my mind--at least, until I checked out their accounting. Bribery on three Raemes T. Quirk!  The final piece suddenly fell in place:  These guys paid of Quirk and the Goliath to dump the waste on Klorox II, when the colony's survey team got in the way and was infected!  They attacked the colony and got off in the shuttle! The question was: Where did they go then?

    Matters aside, a cure needed to be found! The log revealed, that extreme cold could temporarily halt the mutation process. Locating a pair of nitrogen canisters, me and Cliffy beamed back to the Eureka...just in time to discover the horrible truth about the whereabouts of the pukoids.  Quirk appeared on the viewscreen, shivering with a bad case of skin problem, desperately whispering for help.  The pukoids had attacked the Goliath!  Flo was able to trace the transmission to the toxic planet Thrakus, but all I found there was an escape pod...and Beatrice!  She jumped me, thinking I was a pukoid sent after her, leaving us dangling over a cliff.  Managing to escape in the nick of time, Bea was unfortunately puked with some of the primordial soup, shot by the suddenly appearing party of pukoids!  Beaming up to the Eureka, she fell to the floor, almost drained of energy.  When inquiring her about the Goliath, she held up their warp-drive distributor cap and whispered: "They're not gonna get far without this one."  Quickly remembering Genetix, I tucked her into the cryo-chamber to slow the mutation.  Now she was safe--for the moment--but she wasn't out of those woods yet!  Anger grabbed me as I silently vowed to gain revenge on those no-good pukoids! Heading up for the bridge, I was momentarily alarmed by Droole's terrified voice: "Sir! We've found the Goliath!  Or rather ... she found us!"

    She raced towards us, arming her torpedoes and giving us both barrels!  Tension was building up on the bridge, as I ordered Droole to take evasive actions, knowing full well that that would put us in the middle of an asteroid field! Well, it was either dying at the hands of the Goliath, or dying at the... uh... wait. Uh, let's just skip that... uh, well, uh, *hrmhrmm*, the Eureka had sustained enormous amounts of damage during the attack from the Goliath.  In fact, Cliffy had to don the EVA-suit and go out on an external reparation mission.  However, something went wrong and Cliffy went flying right past our viewscreen.  I had to help him!  After a rescue mission only slightly resembling something from a certain 1969 Earth science fiction film, Cliffy was safely back where he belonged. Now it was time to kick some pukoid butt!

    It was around this time that we also managed to rescue Bea, using a clever method inspired by Spike, who led us on the right track:  using the transporter to beam all the puke out of Bea.  After locating the source on the Goliath, we sped towards it, then activated our new cloaking device before the she spotted us.  Stealthily infiltrating the Goliath through the engine room using the EVA-pod and reactivating their warp drive was nothing.  Getting through the elevator shaft in one piece (or without becoming one very flat piece) proved to be a little tougher, but again I managed to get through it and turning off their shield power.  Unfortunately, my cover was blown and I was hauled up to the bridge to stand face to face with the pukeking, Captain Raemes T. Quirk!  But I wasn't helpless--according to plan, WD40 was supposed to beam over here within seconds with her new nitrogenblasters.  And suddenly--after Quirk ordered my termination--a transporter beam struck down beside me and out popped WD40, zapping the pukoid scum around her!  Quirk and his pals were momentarily frozen (literally), while WD40 and I headed out to the transporter room, where Cliffy awaited.  Giving the signal, he rigged up something similar to what we did with Bea, beaming all the puke out of the Goliath crew.  But, Quirk was missing!

    Hurrying up to the bridge, I discovered the sinister truth: The idiot was heading straight for the blob, we beamed out! They merged and the result...QUIRK-BLOB!  It clambered onto the Goliath, thinking I was there--t I beamed over to the Eureka, which was still cloaked, and ordered Droole to give the blob both barrels!  Losing our cloaking abilities, the blob realised I was no longer on the Goliath and therefore went on to attack the Eureka!  But were we helpless?  No, we were prepared! Activating the Refuse Recovery System, Droole sucked the blob into our garbage containment field, which unfortunately couldn't hold the squishy culprit for long!  Setting the Eureka to self-destruct, I watched my crew scavange to the transporter and beam out!  Not only that, but Bea seemed very anxious to get out of the cryo-chamber.  But when trying to beam out myself, I found that the dang transporter had apparently burst a circuit!  I had to go back into the engineering room to replace it, where the blob was still trying to escape through the garbage room!  I managed to replace the circuit, but then the containment field could no longer hold onto the blob, which splashed out of the room and all over the engineering section, grabbing for me!  I managed to jump to safety into the transporter room and Bea and I quickly beamed out of there...just in time to warp on out of there and watch the Eureka blow to bits!  Everything was good...that is, until we got back to StarCon.

The Spinal Frontier

    They put me on trial!  I don't believe it, I won't believe it, I can't believe it, but they did it!  The charges--insubordination, abandoning my post, deviating from mission parameters, misuse of StarCon property, disintegrating a fellow officer, perpetrating a sequel without authorisation (those morons!!!) and... an ... *gasp*... consorting with a female of higher rank!  Decommission seemed imminent.  But, due to my great deeds for this universe, I was only dumped back down to janitor and assigned to the DeepShip 86 under the command of Commander Kielbasa.  But fate would have it that my adventuring days weren't over yet.  While exploring the lovely (cough, cough) planet of Polysorbate LX, I was brutally confronted by two hired goons. They abducted me to their grungy apartment, where I was almost chucked off a balcony... uh... terrace, when corpsman Stellar Santiago, and old friend of mine, popped out of nowhere and beamed me up to the DeepShip 86.  Turns out she was on vacation to visit me, when she found out I had been captured by those geeks.  Managing to get a Personal Grooming Assistant full of hair, I was able to DNA-scan it using the sickbay's DNA-scanner and got a name:  Nigel Rancid...and then the message "FILE CLOSED." Suspicious, indeed.

    Stellar came up with the solution of jacking into cyberspace to get the personal files. Trouble was, that the Information Superhighway project was abandoned and cyberheadsets were practically impossible to find.  But the DeepShip 86 and Commander Kielbasa had other plans; they were heading for Delta Burksilon V, where they were supposed to help out with a retirement home, Golden Lightyears Orbital Retirement Village, run by Sharpei, widow of Admiral Blundtphang -- an old friend of noth Admiral Toolman (the jerk who sentenced me) and Kielbasa, unbeknownst to me. Sharpei had a "special request" for a "crewperson of special skills"... namely me and my janitorial expertise!  But as it turned out, I wasn't just there to clean--within moments of my arrival, I found myself locked in her quarters, overtaken by gas entering the room through the left vent! (See, Gary, I remembered it now!)  I had to get out of there somehow!  I managed to find an old Crap-o-Matic piston, which I managed to cram into the door... but then, Stellar popped up and pushed me through the door... leaving her trapped inside to be gassed! *sniff*

    The funeral process was quick and eventless, although Mousey got buried alive, but that's another story.  However, when returning to my quarters to mourn, I recieved a startling message on my ComPost from--of all people--Stellar!  She was still alive!  Unfortunately, Commander Kielbasa--for some reason--thought that I had been sniffing cleaning fluid, so he wasn't going to be much help.  I had to get to Stellar on my own.

    After much effort, I managed to gain access to a StarCon shuttle and taking off...only to be heading straight for a super-deluxe anti-anomaly.  However, I was able to get the shuttle back on line and reach Delta Burksilon V with the help from my holographic navigator, Manuel Auxveride.  After a short stop on Polysorbate LX, I gained access to cyberspace via the Golden Lightyears computer and managed to gather all sorts of incriminating evidence against the evil scientist, Dr. Beleauxs. Seems this Beleauxs character had assisted Sharpei in capturing Stellar in order to take over her body.  Yes, take over her body!  Sharpei was dying, you see, but she didn't want to put up with that and had Dr. Beleauxs devise a way to use nanotechnology to take over the designated host-body by shrinking Sharpei to microscopic size and inserting her into Stellar.  By gathering evidence against Dr. Beleauxs, that could ruin his career for ever, I managed to talk him into helping me vanquishing Sharpei.  He shrunk me and my shuttle to microscopic size and injected me into Stellar.  After a not-so-graceful landing on Stellar's stomach, my third fuel-tank popped open and spilled out all the contents.  The third fuel-tank consisted of silver--but where was I supposed to find silver? I also had to worry about all the other, robotic nanites, send down here to aid in taking over Stellar's body.  And I did find the nanites, but after a much-needed bath in stomach acid, they didn't pose much of a problem anymore.  But, I still had to find some silver. After gaining the trust of a energetic tapeworm, I was able to reach the appendix and gain some silver by cracking off a piece of tooth filling.

    Returning to my shuttle, I blasted onward up to the brain, where I was going to meet Sharpei for the final showdown (dramatic, eh?).  Unfortunately, the path to the cortex was blocked by machine parts--but by stimulating Stellar's cough control center, the rubble was cleared and I was free to face Sharpei ... unfortunately.  She was digging around in the cortex in the largest, most menacing nanite I've ever had the misfortune of standing face to face with!  However, I managed to take the robot down by blasting it with neural energy from a couple of electric nerves, but her mind still existed!  And she held me in an iron-grip that would make Hulk Hogan squeal pathetically!  But, by going the psychological way and stimulating her, well, needs (don't get any funny ideas--I gave her a fish, okay!), she fell to her doom below. Stellar was safe...and I could get out of her body.

    Dr. Beleauxs managed to clear up all the damage done by Sharpei during the invasion, and Stellar was safe and sound again.  But before we split apart, she said the most curious thing... I was being transferred.  But to where?  Well...I know, but you're just going to have to wait for Space Quest 7!

Troels Pleimert

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