In recent years, the name Roger Wilco has become synonymous with honor, bravery, heroism, and dumb luck. Here to tell us more about himself, his past adventures, and his upcoming endeavors is that swashbuckling space cadet himself, Roger Wilco.
Flip Quasar: Roger, it's common knowledge that before you began an exciting career saving galaxies and rescuing software designers, you were a janitor on a Xenon space lab, but little is known of your early life. Tell us about life back on your home planet of Xenon.
Roger Wilco: Xenon's a great place. In fact, I can't wait to get home--I haven't been back there since the end of Space Quest I. I grew up there, descended from a long line of... uh... Maintenance Specialists. Anyway, after grammar school my parents enrolled me in the High School of the Custodial Arts, where I took a lot of general ed stuff--you know, Basic Disinfecting 101, Broom Wrangling... I wasn't exactly at the head of my class, but I did score a perfect two on our last History of Mop Management pop quiz. When I was old enough, I went on to Janitorial Graduate School, where I majored in Industrial Waste. After graduation, I reeled in this heavily-sought-after position with NucleoTherm Hazardous Substance Containment Services, and was assigned to contract duty aboard the spacelab Arcada. I couldn't believe my luck, getting this gig--all those veterans at NucleoTherm, and they chose me.
FQ: In what has become known across the galaxy as The Sarien Encounter, you single-handedly saved Xenon and the entire Earnon star system from the evil Sariens. How'd you do it?
RW: Well, it wasn't easy, Flip. The stuff I went through, well, other guys would have snapped. If not for my keen wit, those slimy Sariens would have wiped us out. Why, I braved so many dangers...
FQ: So tell us about them already.
RW: Oh, yeah, sorry. Well, the Sariens were after the Star Generator, a gizmo Xenons scientists were working on. They attacked the Arcada, the spacelab where I was stationed, and slaughtered the whole crew--everybody but me, that is. I cleverly evaded them.
FQ: You were napping in the broom closet, right?
RW: Er... I was resting up the big battle. Anyway, they took the Star Generator and I went after em. I infiltrated the Sarien battle cruiser Deltaur, set the Star Generator to self destruct, and got out of there just in time for a front row seat to see the Deltaur and all those filthy Sariens get blown to bits.
FQ: But that really wasn't the end of the Sariens, was it?
RW: Well, no, now that you mention it. Their boss, a big slug named Vohaul, was pretty tweaked at me for foiling his operation, so he sent a couple of thugs after me to make sure I wouldn't get in his way when he unleashed and army of genetically engineered Life Insurance Salesmen on the galaxy.
RW: Yeah, I hear ya.
FQ: But were you able to stop him?
RW: Yep. Once again I went up against impossible odds and emerged a hero. It was an amazing display of courage and determination, if I do say so myself. When youre looking for top performance in a tight situation, I'm your man, Flip. Talk about staying cool...
FQ: (Sigh) So what happened, Roger?
RW: Well, it was like this: Vohaul's goons kidnapped me and hijacked a shuttle to the planet Labion. Through sheer genius I was able to escape...
FQ: The way I heard it, the hovercraft crashed, killing your captors. That made it pretty easy to get away, didn't it?
RW: Uh, well...not as easy as you might think. See, there was still a deadly root monster, a ferocious swamp creature, and a Labion Terror Beast to contend with. Then I had to outsmart another of Vohaul's gorillas and steal the shuttle so I could penetrate the asteroid fortress and pull the plug on that corpulent creep once and for all.
FQ: Well, it sounds like you earned you pay that time, Roger.
RW: All in a days work for a guy like me, Flip. Anyway, I aborted the launch and jetted out of there in an escape pod. I crawled into the sleep chamber and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a trash freighter.
FQ: So, basically, it was out of the frying pan and into the fire for you, right Rog?
RW: Yeah, things didn't look too good, but I blasted out of the freighter in an old jalopy I resurrected from the rubble. What I didn't know was, I was being tailed by Arnoid the Annihilator, that one man collection agency from hell. He nearly had me at a tourist trap on Phleebut, but at the last minute I wiped him out. After that grueling experience, I thought I'd take it easy for awhile.
FQ: That's when you got the distress call from the Two Guys from Andromeda, right?
RW: Yeah, ever seen those guys? Jeez, what a couple of geeks. Anyway, before I knew it, I was face to face with the most ruthless band of outlaws in the galaxy, the Pirates of Pestulon. I was lucky to get out of there with my skin, not to mention those two ingrates I dropped off on Earth. Why I risked my neck for those bozos, I'll never know.
FQ: Rumor has it, the Two Guys actually authored your adventures, Roger, making them effectively, your creators. What is your reaction to that?
RW: Those rumors are greatly exaggerated, Flip. It's that kind of tabloid trash that gives journalism a bad name, and frankly, I'm shocked that you'd print such a thing. You wouldn't, would you?
FQ: Of course not, Roger. I'll edit that part out (heh heh). So tell me, what are your plans for the future?
RW: Well, Flip, I think I'm overdue for a vacation. I'm not even gonna think about anything brave or heroic for at least six months--I'll be kicking back on some sandy beach soaking up x-rays. Heck, maybe I'll even check out Robertaland.
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This article was reprinted from Issue #2 of Space Piston
The Virtual Broomcloset is maintained by Decaffeinated Jedi, the robot from Lost in Space.