Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.drink.mrpibb,alt.drugs.caffeine From: email@example.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Why DOES Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Message-ID:
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 07:00:40 GMT I wrote this about a year ago, when they were advertising a certain pair of movies I didn't go see. Maybe I should delete the dated/lame parts. Naah, then you wouldn't get to skip them. I dislike to edit. Excuse me, change that to "I hate editing." -- KIBO'S FAKE DR PEPPER ROUNDUP ============================== SPONSORED BY THE AMERICAN "WHY BOTHER EVEN MANUFACTURING A DOZEN KNOCKOFFS OF SOMETHING MARGINAL ENOUGH TO ONLY BE IN HALF THE CONVENIENCE STORES OF THE WORLD ANYWAY?" FOUNDATION, WHO ALSO BROUGHT YOU THE INFORMATIVE PAMPHLET "'TO WONG FOO WITH LOVE, JULIE NEWMAR' JUST _MIGHT_ BE A KNOCKOFF OF 'PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT' AND THE ENTERTAINING DOCUMENTARY "KENNY G: WHERE'S THE JAZZ AND WHERE'S THE FUSION?" THE NAME "DR PEPPER" IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF B. A. PEPPER, AGE FIVE. This is a taste test I conducted while watching "Manimal". (The episode about the evil magicians.) All beverages were from freshly-opened two-liter bottles, except for Mr. Pibb, which I could get only in a can (which probably accounts for its extra fizziness.) All ratings are measured relative to Dr Pepper, so you can scale them by dividing by how much better you think Coke or Pepsi is than Dr Pepper. Note that I often rated the weaker flavors more highly than the ones which had a taste that was strong enough for me to figure out how bad they are. To cleanse my palate after each swig, I made fresh with citron-flavored Mentos soaked in Orbitz. DR PEPPER Manufacturer: Dr Pepper (NOT Coca-Cola or Pepsi, although your local Pepsi or Coke plant may bottle it) Color: Brown, like colas. Flavor: A sort of sour cherry-vanilla taste; loads of vanillin (the stuff they put in cheap chocolate and marshmallows) and lactic acid (the stuff that makes milk into yogurt.) Normal people don't like it, but it's an acquired taste, and I've acquired it. Has a strong aroma and is generally considered sweeter than Coke, probably comparable to Pepsi or Coke II (Max Headroom's favorite.) Rating: 1.0 Dr. ROCKET Manufacturer: American Fare (aka K-Mart) Color: Same as Dr. Pepper. Flavor: Amazingly similar to real Dr. Pepper, despite the shoddy differences of the other imitations--this one's right on the money. I docked it a tenth of a point just because you have to go to K-Mart to buy it. Rating: 0.9 DR. SMOOTH Manufacturer: Presidentıs Choice (the house brand of supermarkets who donıt want to bother having their own; locally seen at Star Market and Stop & Shop, which is not to be confused with Shop & Save or Stop & Go. "P.C." foods are made even more politically correct by being labelled in both English and Quebecois. "P.C." is a trademark of Sunfresh Inc.) Color: Purplish brown. Flavor: Warm, it tasted poor (more so than Dr. Pepper does) with an unidentifiable yet disturbing flavor. Chilled, it was _very_ similar to Dr. Pepper--considerably more so than most of the other fakes. Comments: This is the only one of the clones whose bottle doesn't look right--itıs black with red and yellow lettering. They didnıt get the color of the soda or the bottle right, but the contents are fine if chilled. Rating: 0.9 cold, 0.4 warm MR. PIBB Manufacturer: Coca-Cola Color: Same as Dr Pepper. Taste: Very fizzy but almost no flavor. Imagine a Dr Pepper with more sugar and gas and less of the other stuff. Reminded me of the clear stuff you sometimes get at McDonalds when the soda dispenser is sick. Comments: Very boring but non-threatening. Even more a phenomenon of the South than Dr Pepper; extremely rare north of Mason-Dixon. The most commercially successful of the fake Dr Peppers, even though itıs the only one which flunked out of grad school. Rating: 0.6 DR. SLICE Manufacturer: Pepsi (part of their Slice line of artificial fruit beverages, this one's an artificial artificial flavor) Color: Same as Dr Pepper. Flavor: Artificial cherry. Just like cough syrup, or worse, a barbershop lollipop. Comments: Drinkable, but bad. Rating: 0.5 DR STARR Manufacturer: American Premier (I didnıt know we'd elected Kruschev. This brand shows up at Osco Drug.) Color: Same as Dr Pepper. Taste: None. Like Mr. Pibb, without the sugar or most of the carbonation. Comments: I thought Iıd had a stroke until I realized it was placebo flavored. Rating: 0.4 DR. RIGHT Manufacturer: Preferred Selection (like President's Choice and American Fare and American Premier, but different. Seen at a mom-n-pop in Roxbury, 69c for two liters.) Color: Same as Dr Pepper. Taste: Cherry Coke, only sweeter and weaker. Comments: Poorly-made cap (compared to other brands) was hard to remove, a blessing in disguise. Rating: 0.3 DR. ZEPPA Manufacturer: Store 24 (along with Lemon Zup and other products that may have been named by the late Bill Gaines) Color: Purplish-grayish-brown. The couldn't even get THAT right? Flavor: Really really really weak Moxie. Dilute yet still repulsive. Comments: Worst of the bunch. Not as bad as Store 24's Blue Raspberry, which tastes like watermelon Bubble Yum and can be smelled from thirty feet away, but still nearly as bad as getting fermented shrimp paste up your nose in zero gravity while using Windows 3.1. Rating: 0.1 At this point the test was halted because "Manimal" was over and I was feeling kind of sick. Youıd think it would be a simple matter to come up with a perfect knockoff of something which tastes completely artificial, but noooo, we can land a man on the Moon but we canıt run some Dr Pepper through a gas chromatograph to see whether itıs supposed to taste like cherry, Coke, vanillin, or dirty socks. I am formally recommending to the President of the World that these fakes be told to shape up or they will be forced to drink Dr. Zeppa forever and ever and all the bad stuff will go away and there will never be any war and everyone will hug all the time. Also if the fakes havenıt really earned a graduate degree then everyone will sue them for a million billion zillion dollars and all the candy in the world. Yours in Pepperness, James "Kibo" Parry. Note to pedants: Those who believe I should have used the American "Dr. Pepper" instead of the British "Dr Pepper" (which is on the bottle) may use the following periods to salt and pepper this essay as they please ---> . . . . . . . . . NEXT: FEENAMINT, THE LAXATIVE GUM -- MEDICAL MIRACLE OR COMMUNIST THREAT TO AN UNWARY PUBLIC? -- K. Copyright (C) James "Kibo" Parry except for this copyright notice, which is in the public domain and may be affixed to your own documents.